My husband got home from work tonight expecting the usual. Well put together, bubbly wife, the kids in bed, the house clean....etc.
Tonight he got housework in progress, upset wife and kids in bed. He came to the playroom to find me working on putting toys away. I begrudgingly stated "I bet you expected this housework to be done when you got home." He said "Actually I did" Of course he did. Not that he expects me to have it done for him but just because its what I normally do.....
He then said he was disappointed that I was soo upset. Sadly I am too. I am disappointed that I don't think i can do this!
I have taken on far more than one person should have to handle. Today was the first day that I truly felt like it IS possible that my plate is too full. I am at the buffet and that last plate has given me a bad tummy ache. (so to speak)
Today was bad. Not like "ugh I can't wait for bedtime bad" but like "OMG I have become a horrible mother and wife" bad.
You cannot understand what I am feeling tonight. I can't even explain it. I have been overwhelmed in the past SURE, haven't we all? But I am happy with life; satisfied for sure! I REALLY AM...I look around me and think "amazing" TRULY.
But tonight I am struggling. I hated myself at the end of the day. My kids loved me. The love between a mother and her young children is unconditional. If my patience is low my kids still love me and if the kids scream and fight all day I still love them. Thats one of the best parts of being a parent.
Tonight I feel thankful for my child's unconditional love. As I sat at the end of Andrew's bed in tears repeating how sorry I was for being a "mean mommy today" AJ laid their playing with my hair and wiping my face, the whole time with a big smile. All he had to say was "I love you mommy. You sad mommy? I loves you mommy."
Once all the kids were asleep peacefully I started working on my schoolwork. Same as I do every night. But tonight I cannot concentrate. As I sit hear and type through tear-blurred eyes I feel like I have no one who I can talk to...Eric has a "simple" solution that isn't an option....
and NOW it wouldn't be a fitting end to my night if 5 minutes ago poor Lauryn didn't wake screaming and covered in vomit (which hasnt ceased) would it?
I love my life! BUT TONIGHT LIFE IS KINDA CRAPPY!!!